Journal

July, 24, 2019
How lonely can someone be? How aloneo can someone truly be? Everyday it becomes harder and harder to picture a future, a family, career, passions, enjoyment.. i dont know how real these things are for me. What would be the point, I dont really like this world, the people seem to be so much diffrent than me, what do they have that i dont? what allows them to continue their lives in a way where they seem so unaffected by the darkness of this world. I dont really know what i will do tomorrow, the next year, or if its even worth thinking about. its been so long since i have been able to share my emotions to otheres. I really dont see them truly understanding. sometimes i wish i would have met her, she seemed like someone who could understand. Now she is gone, she wanted her own freedom and i like to think she found it, somewhere in another life, dimension, or realm i like to think she is finally at peace. I hope i can feel that one day, maybe i will meet her on some star somewhere after i die.

July, 17, 2019
when i woke up today i felt overwhelming emptiness, seems like everyday this feeling becomes more a part of me, is it lonliness? or something else. i really dont know. how much longer will this go on? i cant continue down this cycle for too long, how much longer can someone fake it? the charade of everyday life. I was not made for this world. I dont think i belong. I cant stand the way the world goes on. I wish things were diffrent, but they are not. I dont care at this point. I dont care abot any of this. If they want to live their lives playing this game then let them. I wont.

July, 14, 2019
Its been a while since i have wrote, i did some traveling for a week. it seemed to help, i dont know how yet but maybe seeing something new can help more than i thought. I still dont know how i should attempt this life, some small ray of hope sometimes peeks through, i make subtle attempts to follow that hope, however i dont know how seriously to take it. I need to do something perhaps about my communication skills, speaking to people.. sharing my thoughts.. just trying to be normal person in this world seems so hard for me and i dont know why...

June, 17, 2019
Things seem to be better today, i dont know why exactly but i didnt feel much today. its a good day when i can get things done without feeling like i am living in hell. I am sick of feeling alone though, i dont think anyone would really enjoy me as i am at the moment but its still hard. whats a boy to do?

June, 16, 2019
Today was a blur, if i dissolved into nothing that would be fine by me. i have to make a choice today and i dont know if i really have a choice in the matter. it feels like if i am honest i will let my friends down, labled selfish, and wrong. however if i dont i know i will not be happy, life will be stressful, full of rushing aruond in loneliness. So who knows, maybe it truly doesnt matter. how much sadder, alone and broken can someone feel. What will i lost, sanity? control of life? calmness and solitude? did i ever really have any of that to begin with? does it truly matter what i feel. Maybe i should just accept the course of life i seem to be on, just going in whatever direction things take me..

June, 15, 2019
Today i feel a total loss of control, afraid. I feel anxious about things i thought i could control but it seems so difficult, like maybe its out of my control. it was probably always out of my control. I dont know how I should react. I am so comfortable in my sadness and cycle and a threat to that scares me. I dont want to feel so empty, i would love to have some sort of control over. I dont know if that can happen.

June, 14, 2019
I cant stop sinking, what do I do when I love it. I dont know if everyone should feel this way or if I am lower and sadder than I should have let myself get. I cant find anything. Everything is a blur now, like i am asleep in the back of a car that someone else is driving and I dont know where I will end up. I dont care to be honest. I have lost faith in the world and myself it seems. I wish I could care, i wish i could at least pretend like i always did. it just seems so hard and pointless now. I just want the wind would take me somewhere far aways where nothing matters. I dont know what i will do or what wiil happen. I should try and find some help. I am so alone, so sad, so bored.



June, 10, 2019

I feel so sick. I feel alone and tired. I dont want to do anything, i just want to float away and forget everything.


June, 1, 2019

Loathing and breathing. Sick the way my mind twists and turns, it doesn't seem to know much. I am okay with that. It is all absurd, I have really begun grasping on the absurd that surrounds me. It builds and brings down. More than that, what is clear has begun to blur to me...

May, 25, 2019

Today was filled with surprises from life. At the moment I have confined myself to my bedroom where I have been working.. I need to work on expressing myself more often in public. I also need to further understand my own meaning of commitment. I want to grow, i want to make sure this happens, or I will see the end trying.

go back home